Another day and another book hits the shelf telling singles everywhere all the things they’re ‘doing wrong’ in life and relationships. Hey, that sounds like fun! Let’s sit down for a few hours or even days to read some ramblings detailing our every flaw by people who may or may not treat their own significant others with love or respect! Because being single doesn’t feel bad enough with everyone judging them for their lack of a significant other… Why are we reading this crap?
During my twenty-plus years of Dating the Wrong Men before marrying my husband, I admit I clung to these pieces of well-marketed gimmicky opinions in a hopes that it would lead me to my Mr. Right. And I wasn’t the only one on the bandwagon. So did all of my girlfriends and what is clearly a consistent number of people as each new book comes out. I’ve read about every timeframe you should allow to text, call, ‘friend’ on social media, discuss relationship needs, sleep with, and marry. I’ve tried to change my personality to ‘think like a man,’ ‘act like a bitch,’ and attempted to use the ‘power of the kitty cat’. I sported different styles, revealed too little and revealed too much skin. I’ve let my date pay for dinner, I’ve paid for dinners and I’ve Dutch dated. I’ve even referred back to advice my mother must have received that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. And which strategy of all of these worked? NONE of them!
My years of experience, and those of every other person who jumped on these failed dating band wagons are proof that it is time to change the so-called ‘rules’ of dating and here are the most important ones we need to start with.
Any Advice Gives You a Try-Key Solution that Will Work for Any Person on Earth.
Looking into some of the latest dating book releases, the more ridiculous all of this ‘dating advice’ is becoming. One in particular, was a book written by a group of men telling women everything they are doing wrong. Right off the bat I saw mention that ‘you need to cook for your man.’ The funniest thing about this is that my husband, and the men in his family who have all been professional chefs, would not take well to this so-called dating rule. It has been ingrained in his head since he was young that men do the cooking. And, it’s amazing cooking at that.
Surprise surprise again new, cliché-centric relationship dating book… There are 7.21 billion people in this world who all have different interests, perspectives and needs in a relationship. I understand the general assumption for all of mankind that there are basic needs of love, security, and trust existent in each relationship. (Thank you Maslow) But I assure you that looping every man alive into the thought that love is only shown to them when someone cooks for them is about as accurate as telling you how important it is to your cat that you bought them the right kitty litter. So, when we scratch this advice, let’s try something new. Figure out all the things that YOU need in a relationship, and look for a person who fulfills there needs while your natural being and actions fulfills theirs… whether you are cooking for them or not.
Any Advice That Belittles You into Thinking You’re ‘Doing Everything Wrong’
Just because you’re single does not mean you’re doing anything wrong. In fact, the only thing you might be doing wrong is beating yourself up by listening to people who give you this advice. There is so much advice out there that will play to your fears. But love and fear are not supposed to have anything to do with each other. If you’re taking advice that is trying to mold you into something you aren’t, than this is going to convert you into a person constantly second guessing your every move. The inevitable result even if a relationship does work from it, is that you will be in a situation where you feel that you lost yourself… yes, you ‘did everything right’, but you lost yourself.
How do we ditch this advice?
Know your needs when you enter a potential relationship situation and be honest with yourself and the other person. If you want to talk about where the relationship is going, do it. If you want to be a total dork with the person you love (like me) do it! If you want to cook for your mate, do it or don’t… Unless you are cheating, lying or abusive to your partner in another way, don’t let someone else tell you what you are doing wrong or right. This is your relationship too and you deserve to be the person you were meant to be in it.
Any Advice that Suggests You are to Blame When Your Significant Other is a Jerk.
This advice is the most disturbing to me of all. And I think it would be a safe assumption to say that the authors of this kind of advice might feel the most threatened by my book. However, every so often another ‘Why your man is cheating…’ article or book hits the public eye. Let me wrap up the entire basis of these pieces of advice into a realistic answer to the ‘reasoning’ rather than what must be chapter after chapter of rambling crap excuse for people who treat their partners bad.
Are you ready? Here it is…
Your man is cheating because he’s a cheater and is choosing to cheat.
Done! Throws hands in air in an epiphany.
This same conclusion can be made to people who lie, abusers, commitment phobes and more! I obviously have a chapter in my book for all of these personality types and more, but think about it… people like Halle Berry and Sandra Bullock are looked up to world-wide for their beauty, intelligence, career and talents, yet they have found themselves in the midst of heartbreaking relationships with men who cheated and more. If there are men who will cheat on them, there are men who will cheat on anyone.
To break this dating rule, know that if someone treats you badly, this is no reflection on you. Stop beating yourself up and remember you are in the company of fabulous.
I felt the need to write this article because of the response from readers of Dating the Wrong Men… (And I love every one of you) It was one thing to think that I was just ‘lucky’ in my horrific years of dating experiences and that maybe the ‘rules of dating’ just didn’t work for me, but it’s another to find that the majority of people who have read my book had the same experience. If Einstein was truly right about the definition of insanity being “Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result” it’s time to take our dating strategy and the suggestions towards it into the same aspect.
Thank you to the amazing reviewers who validate my points in this article:
“…it confirmed that I was not crazy and maybe, just maybe, I was not to blame for my continued failed relationships.”
Natalie Made It
“It was scary how much I could relate to all this… This is pretty much my new bible. I have more confidence in myself and who I am as a woman since reading this book.”
Samantha S. from A Smile Makes Everyone Happy
‘… this book entirely shifted my perspective, and is anything but a list of cliche’ eye-roll-worthy advice..”